Cookies to Cure Depression

(Not actually guaranteed to cure depression)


Do you ever feel depressed to the point where you just wanna lay in bed and stay there for the rest of forever? Well get up, we’re baking now. 

Today we’re gonna be making either an uber small batch of like three, maybe four, chocolate chip cookies. This recipe is perfect for when you want desserts but don’t want to dedicate your time to making something for the whole family. Here’s what you need:

Two tbsp of melted butter

One tbsp of sugar

Two tbsp of brown sugar

One tbsp of beaten egg

¼ tsp of vanilla

⅓ cup of flour

Pinch of salt

¼ tsp of baking soda

Chocolate chips


Our first step is to preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Next? Butter. You got it in a lil bowl? Great! Now melt it. DO IT. SLAM THE MICROWAVE DOOR! RELEASE YOUR ANGER! SCREAM INTO THE SKY! Once you’ve done that, It’s time for us to move onto sugars. 

Alright, so you get a sturdy tablespoon of granulated sugar and pour it in with your butter. This is to symbolize the sweetness of youth dissolving into the scorching pool that is life. Then we add our brown sugar. This represents nothing. It’s an ingredient. Not everything is a metaphor for something else, what are you? An English teacher? Stop pretending to be Mrs. Cottrill and stir that together until it makes a paste. Now stop. You forgot to add vanilla and a tablespoon of stirred egg. IDIOT! NOW STIR AGAIN!
Perfect! You’re doing great! It’s time for the dry ingredients now, think you can handle it? Well you can’t, but you need to do it anyway because you’re already this far in the recipe. 

Go get your flour and put it in a bowl. I usually add more because I like my cookies to be really doughy to the point where I can still taste the salmonella. Then you add a pinch of salt and baking soda. NOW MIX IT UP! LITERALLY! GO DYE YOUR HAIR! TAKE A DANCE CLASS! LEARN JAPANESE! Or you can just mix the dry ingredients together until you can’t tell them apart.  

So you’ve got your wet ingredients and you got your dry ingredients. Now this next step is imperative to making these cookies turn out well, so pay attention and be very VERY CAREFUL. 


Take your dry ingredients… and add them to your wet ingredients.



By now you should have a nice dough that’s ready to be chocolate chippified. For this step, just add as much chocolate as you want. You measure that shi- I mean- stuff with your heart. You only want one chocolate chip? Go for it! You want ALL the chocolate chips? This is America, people have eaten worse. 

Alrighty then! We got the dough! We got the warm oven! Now it’s time to get a cookie sheet, make it so it doesn’t stick, and divide up your cookie dough! I’d try and make them all about the same size.  You can do this by eyeballing each piece of dough into the same shape and size, weigh them out, or do what I do and just make one massive cookie! I do this by putting the dough into a little cast iron skillet. If you happen to have a mini cast iron skillet lying around and wanna try this, remember to be careful! You gotta grease the skillet, wait for the cookie to finish cooking outside of the oven once you take it out, make sure you don’t burn yourself while you’re eating, and season the skillet afterwards so it doesn’t rust. For those of you taking the easy way out, just pop those bad boys in the oven for ten minutes or more. Or don’t. I’m not your mother. Just know that if you’re eating raw cookie dough and get salmonella that I had nothing to do with it. 

And this is where we part ways. You walking in one direction with some freshly baked cookies and me in the opposite with the grade I got from publishing this recipe. I’m gonna be real for a second; baking seriously helps me keep my mental health in check. If it does the same for you, that’s great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Everyone has their own thing that brightens their day, and if you didn’t find your thing here, I hope you can find it somewhere else.

Best wishes,